How to Write an Onion-Style Headline
The Onion are hilarious and they have been for decades. If there’s anything they know, it’s writing a funny headline. Luckily, we can learn a few things about how to write our own headlines — and jokes — by studying their work.
A Headline’s Job
A headline’s job used to be to sell papers. It needed to be something that a boy in a Dickens novel could shout on the street to get people interested enough to buy a paper. Or it needed to grab people’s attention as it sat folded on a stand. In our stupid modern times, it needs to get people to click.
People will share or not share your article based on headline. Most of the time, that is all they’ll ever read. Real journalists deal with this all the time and it drives them justifiably insane.
Nevertheless, the headline is king. In our case it needs to be as funny as possible.
Shaping your headline
In a nutshell, your headline needs to be shaped like a ski jump. Here’s a handy diagram:
You want the person experiencing your headline to have a big turn and a big launch at the end, so put all the funny at the back of the sentence.
Some Onion Examples Deconsructed
The Onion headline:
“Real-Life Nancy Drew Traces Source Of Her HPV”
This is great for a couple of reasons. First, “Real-Life Nancy Drew” is great because it’s a reference. People who read Nancy Drew books will remember the character as a super-goody-two-shoes detective who was created as an answer to the Hardy Boys.
Even if we don’t know who the character is, “Traces source of” gives us the clue that she’s some sort of investigator. We get a sense of seriousness about the situation because of the language. Imagine if we swapped “traces source of” for “tries to find out about.” Anyone can try to find out about something. Serious detectives trace sources.
Let’s undo some of the stuff The Onion did right and study the effects:
- “Lady traces source of her HPV” — The funny is still at the end, but we’ve removed the novel-ness and reference-ness of the premise. The ski jump doesn’t have nearly as much gravity. Not as funny as the original.
- “Real-Life Nancy Drew Discovers She Has HPV, Questions Sexual Partners” — This one’s okay, but the end is watered down so the ski jump isn’t as sharp. It’s also not as good.
Here’s another funny example from Anthony Jeselnik:
“The first thing I look for is intelligence, because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.”
Here’s one from Rodney Dangerfield:
“I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said, ‘On your mark…’”
Now, you might say “But the ends of these jokes are all three words! Wouldn’t it be funnier if it was just one like HPV?” Maybe. But say HPV out loud. Now say “Then she’s mine,” and then “On your mark.” Three syllables each time. Is that really significant? Who knows? I’m not a numerologist.
Do make the punch section of your joke/headline as short as possible, though.
Go Forth and Make Funny
That’s it, gang. If you want help workshopping your headline you can always post them in our Reddit subreddit or in the Discord server. Your comedy family is here to help.
